Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
