Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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