so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
