awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
