Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
