I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
