Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
