My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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