Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's blow job season.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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