I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
