you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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