Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
