Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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