Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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