I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
