my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
