im drinking this country out of the recession.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
