I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I still have a little drunk in my system
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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