News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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