She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
