Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
