Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
