We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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