i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize