why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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