listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
