she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
