don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
