her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
