u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
