I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
