I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
