I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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