i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
