I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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