I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
