apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize