So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
