I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
