His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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