; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
