bring money and cleavage
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
