My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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