i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
