My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Randomize
