Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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