What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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