having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
