the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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