i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
