Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
