All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
