Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
