Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
