dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
