I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
