its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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