I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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