i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
