I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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