Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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