I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
