Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize